I feel a little more coherent now, although that may just be some form of psychosis speaking.
I was feeling pretty miserable earlier (as though that weren't pretty obvious).  Then I got a call from someone very very special.  Somehow, hearing from her always makes me feel better.
I guess the thing that's been driving me crazy is all the changes going on in life lately.  Amid the difficulties, I'm planning a move that's intended to bring a new start to my life.  The problem is that what I'm starting toward seems to be starting away from me.
Nothing seems certain anymore except what I'm feeling inside, which is a lot of love...and some pain.  Maybe it's because Valentine's Day is right around the corner.  lol
Or maybe it's because there's someone in my life who just really means a lot to me.  You see, love is a willingness to sacrifice, and for this special someone, I would sacrifice almost anything short of my immortal soul.  I might even sacrifice that if it came right down to it.
I can't hold on without hurting her; I can't let go without hurting myself.  The answer is simple.  I won't hurt her.  Not ever.  Not intentionally.  Yet, the instinct to preserve my own heart is strong.  Something keeps telling me that even changes can change, and that if I just hold on long enough love will be fulfilled.  (I should mention that something else keeps telling me that that's a crock, and that the best that I can hope for is to die in my sleep.)  I doubt, though, that even death will stop these deep feelings.
So where do I stand?  I think I'll know more precisely in a day or two.  What will I do?  I'll do what I have done for so long now.  I'll love her.

A funny thing just occurred to me.  I am and always will be here for those I care about.  Always has been that way, too.

Wow!  It's hard to believe how long it has been since I last checked in to Xanga!  I think the most recent of my blogs was July!  Here it is more than halfway through January of another year!
So much has happened, I don't know where to begin to get caught up.
Let's see.  I'll just jump right in!
In August, I had another birthday.  Which one isn't important.  Birthdays are good signs.  They mean that we have survived another year.  I've done more than just survive this one.  I've actually gained some hope for the future during this past year.  Without going into details, I will say that I should be financially stronger soon.  Difficulties with my housing situation should improve greatly soon.
Things which were deep continue to deepen (at least from this end), and it appears that one or two things that never should have been are slowly drawing to a close.
My sister, Amber, is back in our home town again.  She has been in a bad situation for over a year, so we're hoping that she's ready to stay here, leave some unpleasantries behind, and start looking toward a brighter future.
We visited some very dear friends in October, and had a great time.
November brought some pretty cold weather.  First, we had to overcome a financial problem and an upgrade to our furnace to get our heat turned on.  Then, when we tried to fire up the furnace, it didn't work.  It took $150 in parts to fix it.  The day before we finally got the furnace together and working, freezing temperatures caused the water pipes to burst.  The water heater also went kerflooey.  We're getting close to having the pipes back in order.  I worked on them today for quite a while, but in the end, I lacked a single 1/2" CPVC connector.  One connector and the pipes should be back together!!  But I didn't have it.  The local hardware store is closed on Sundays, so I couldn't get that part without a little drive.  Hopefully, I can get the part tomorrow.  Hopefully, when I put that part in, the water will work without any leaks.
Meanwhile, tomorrow, I am taking my van in to the body shop for repairs.  On December 30, I was parked at a friend's house when a woman backed into the side of my van.  She crunched in the driver-side sliding door, didn't realize she'd hit anything and drove home.  It was fairly obvious what had happened, so after a brief police investigation, it was determined who had hit my van.  Naturally, her insurance is paying for the repairs.  They are also providing a rental car while the van is in the shop.  I won't be out any money as a result of the accident, but there's still the aggravation of it all.  My desktop PC went out a few months ago with motherboard issues.  Many important files were trapped on my hard drive.  Among them were the files related to my work on my book of poetry, The Long Journey.  I was finally able, at significant cost, to recover my files.  I am happy to report that I am now on page 83 or 84 of this work.  My files now reside on an external hard drive connected to my laptop.  The laptop is actually a number of years old and quite slow, but it suffices for now.  It will probably be some time before I can get another desktop.  Fortunately, this laptop has a built-in wireless card.  That means that I can take it to the library and log on to their internet, and I can do as I am now, sitting at my brother's kitchen table logged on to his wireless network.
Had a great Christmas!  Not a lot of money for presents, but we did pretty well.  I got a wonderful little heart-shaped statue that I absolutely adore! as well as several other nice things.  My brother bought us a nice little deep-fryer similar to his own.
Shane and I also tried our hand at selling pears from the tree in his yard at a local farmers' market.  We had a nice visit with the other produce people, but didn't sell much.  Later, Shane made some of the pears into pear sauce and pear butter.  This turned out to be quite delicious, so we canned some.  Those who are waiting, fear not!  I will get some pear butter to you soon!  lol
Well, not much else to report in this blog, I guess, so I'll wrap it up.  I've been typing for quite a while, but this blog still seems incomplete.  I'll probably think of other things later for those inclined to read my ramblings.
Take care, all!